Lifestyle Changes

I'm having one of those evenings where I'm feeling utterly depressed about a bunch of things...

There are three main things bothering me right now. One, I'm disorganized and easily distracted (hence the FlyLadying), to the point where I have a hard time FLYing because I get distracted doing that. Two, I'm fat and while I'm not happy about that, I can't seem to get myself to do much of anything to remedy that situation. Three, I feel like I have no friends and I've been sent out to battle everything alone.

I've talked enough about the disorganization and distractedness enough lately, so I'm going to skip over that for the time being...

The weight issue. This makes me want to curl up and cry because I literally do not know how to cope with this. I blame some of this on the way I was raised... My mom's a chubby lady with a cynical outlook on weight loss. I remember growing up listening to her complain about how her boss was joining Weight Watchers and how she thought it was a terrible waste of money. I remember being fed up 20lbs ago about how much I weighed, having no money and wanting to join a gym only to be met with "You have exercise equipment at HOME. Gyms are a waste of money." I remember trying to work out when trying to lose weight for the wedding and how embarrassing it was to have to do it with her sitting on the couch watching scornfully.

I was raised to believe that trying to lose weight and better your health was more shameful than being unhealthy and fat.

I had thought when I moved out of my parents house that it would be easier because I wouldn't be subjected to their bad habits anymore. That wasn't the case, I still feel guilty for even thinking about trying to lose weight and my eating habits barely changed and other challenges arose.... we're a one car couple, that limits what I can do for exercise because I can't actually go anywhere unless it's in the evening. (We may be moving shortly to a place with a gym and indoor pool, so things may improve on that front... but I'm still worried I won't actually use the facility).

What's really weighing heavily on my mind is the fact that I have no one to talk to about this. I feel completely and utterly alone. Oh, sure.... I have online friends. Blog buddies, message board friends.... but that only goes so far... The weight issue is such a sensitive subject that I have had a considerably difficult time being motivated via online friends. I avoid the weight loss sections of boards like the plague.... One of the boards I belong to does a challenge game every quarter where you can join teams and you contribute by exercising and such. I tried doing that once, but I dropped out after two weeks because I was too embarrassed by the fact that I was trying to lose weight to continue. I was embarrassed amongst other people I barely know trying to do the exact same thing I was instead of feeling camaraderie.

In real life, living in my immediate area, I don't really have anyone. It's one of those areas where I really do wish I clicked with more girls on more than an acquaintance type level. I love my husband and my guy friends, and it's not that I'm uncomfortable sharing this issue with them, but it's just that lack of empathy that guys have sometimes.... With most of them, I fear the typical, "So what? I'm fat, too." response...

I'm discouraged because I feel like I'm stuck going this alone... and I know that going it alone means I'm most likely not going to succeed, and while I know that all my online friends are well meaning in their offers to keep me accountable, but it doesn't work that way with this... You can ask me all you want how I'm doing with it, but if I'm not looking you in the eye, I'm probably going to be less embarrassed saying "No, I didn't do it." than I am about the fact I'm trying in the first place. I hate the word accountability because of all the connotations it took on when I was going to church, but I suppose that's what I'm looking for... that and someone I can call a friend.